I’m late writing my article this week. Not because I was traveling or because I was sick, but because I used up all my energy extroverting (is that a word?) and simply had nothing left. Some of you who know me know I’m an introvert, although I can also present in front of a crowd, work a room, and represent causes I believe in like an extrovert. This weekend hours of volunteering for the Iowa Quilt Museum at their annual Share Your Stash sale did me in, although we had a successful fundraiser to make it through the hard winter months. For today’s article I’m going to talk about how being an introvert shows up for me, particular pitfalls of the holiday season, and some thoughts on what I do to “cope” as an introvert in an extrovert-driven world. If you are actually an extrovert, consider reading today to support the introverts on your team, in your family, and in your life.
How Being An Introvert Shows Up for Me
People often think being an introvert is about liking being around people or not. However, it’s really about where you get your energy. After being at a large party or gathering with many strangers, do you feel energized and ready to take on the world? Or drained like you just want to crawl under your desk and hide? Neither one of these answers is wrong, and they do help indicate where you fall on the introvert/extrovert scale. Many extroverts I have met over the years think introverts never want to attend parties, speak at leadership meetings, or handle big negotiations. Yet most introverts I meet want to do all of these things. We simply have to handle them differently. Here’s how being an introvert shows up in my life:
- I can only socialize with strangers for so long.
This is the one that showed up for me last weekend while I was volunteering. I was running the cash register, greeting people at the door, and generally being the “smiling face” while wearing the Iowa Quilt Museum’s logo on my shirt from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, and then until 6:00 pm cleaning up. This would be a tiring, long day for anyone, but at the end of the day I was less tired than feeling empty and emotionally drained.
Side note: If you’re not already part of a nonprofit board and you read this newsletter regularly, they need you! Consider finding a cause you believe in and volunteer any time you can, even if it’s one hour a month. I say this to my readers because you are leaders, supply chain professionals, and the kind of people who can run a meeting in record time while getting a record amount done. I firmly believe serving on nonprofit boards has made my career and life better.
- I hate picking up the phone and calling suppliers.
Some of this is my Millenial/Xennial generation traits showing up. We’ve definitely lost the art of picking up the phone (especially to negotiate with suppliers) because email is so gosh darn convenient. Even though picking up the phone and calling suppliers is a key part of running a successful e-auction, I really hate that first reach-out to a supplier contact.
- I can only do about two days of a conference.
This one took me way too long to figure out. I can really only do about two days of any conference. I love conferences! (see my notes on the ISM, ProcureCon, and SIG conferences this year) But I know myself well enough to know I turn into a pumpkin after two days (Cinderella reference).
- I have a very narrow circle of friends.
I have mixed feelings about this one. I would love to have more friends in my personal life, but I’ve always had a very narrow inner circle (translation: literally 2-3 close friends other than my husband). Making new friends in my 40s is hard, especially as someone who works as a solopreneur. I also know this experience is not at all unique, but is definitely a mark of my introversion.
Holiday Season Pitfalls
With the holiday season looming, I find certain seasonal issues that really only show up for me at this time of the year. Here are some examples and how I deal with them specifically:
- Holiday Gatherings.
This one is obvious, but still needs to be said. When I was in the corporate world, it was a huge mark of distinction when I rose to the leadership level that I was invited to the Company Holiday Party. They only invited direct reports of business presidents, so for most of my career there was no holiday party. Now instead I get to attend the Iowa NAWBO (North American Women Business Owners) holiday party, which is more relaxed and fun. But both can be fraught for a stressed-out introvert. First, I give myself a one-drink maximum if I’m there alone or a two-drink maximum if my husband is with me and planning to drive. This is not necessarily an introvert thing, but I do think if I’m not careful I will drink as a coping mechanism for the stress of being in that kind of gathering. Second, and this may sound a bit shallow, but I do think carefully about what I wear. I like to get dressed up, but I’m also always cold and so I have to balance cute dresses with keeping warm. Holiday events are usually planned for men in suits and so I make sure I have a blazer, leggings, etc. for if (when!) I get cold. Third, I like to pre-plan small talk questions. You can get conversation card decks with good questions on them, or you can plan on something like, “What are you most looking forward to in the coming year?” People don’t always want to talk about work at events like this (even though I’m one of those people who will talk about the state of the supply chain as long as you let me), so I try to have something ready.
- Kid Concerts/recitals/plays/championship events.
I should do better at these to use them as a chance to meet other parents and widen my circle. But I’m also there to see my child perform their best and meeting other parents isn’t always my main goal. I actually tend to bring embroidery or other hand crafts to these events as my way of staying busy, staying off my phone, and still being mentally present for my kids. If you can make parent friends at these, awesome. But if you just survive them, give yourself some grace for that and know I’m with you in spirit.
- Shopping crowds.
Bless the internet. This one used to be pretty awful for me; I really don’t like shopping. Especially on the weekends when everyone else is shopping (Costco on Sunday afternoon, anyone?!). The internet is super helpful for ordering gifts that show up at my doorstep and don’t require me to bundle up into the cold, crowded world. I live in the Midwest, cold is our truth from November to April. That being said, consider shopping your local Small Business Saturday as much as possible, perhaps plan a weeknight or even take a weekday off work to get it done. When I was in corporate, I used to actually take a day off to do holiday shopping because I didn’t use all my vacation time anyway (Americans are really terrible about this) and then I could avoid crowds. It’s your vacation time; use it.
How I Cope
As with most things where one group holds privilege, most extroverts don’t realize how much the corporate world is built for them. We professionally reward people who are calm and assertive in meetings full of their superiors, who are the life of the company party or leadership event, and who have large networks of contacts. For those of us who do not come to that naturally but still want to climb the corporate ladder, we require thoughtful intention to live in an extrovert world. Here are some things I do to make my life better as an ambitious introvert:
- Plan ahead on downtime.
This one can be tricky at certain times in my busy life, but is necessary or I fall apart. I still go volunteer at a busy sale for the nonprofit for ten hours, but then I go home and watch Ted Lasso and quilt for three hours. And I don’t plan anything for the next morning either. (If I had been really good, I would have pre-written this article as well. But then it would also be on a whole different topic…)
- Reward myself for doing the hard things.
When I have to do a round of calling supplier reps to tell them that e-auctions aren’t actually evil, I try to reward myself after with a break, a walk, or even a few minutes on my phone. I remind myself it’s ok that it’s hard to call strangers, that lots of people struggle with it, and that they truly won’t remember some dumb slip of the tongue or stutter. It will all be ok, and the result from picking up the phone is well worth it. Too much email gets ignored, misinterpreted, or lost in the shuffle.
- Schedule time for what I can handle (boundaries!).
Every career coach I’ve ever talked to or read talks about boundaries. This doesn’t just mean leaving work at 5 pm and not checking emails on weekends. It also means planning plane flights to leave conferences after being there for two days and trying to keep a certain number of “home days” between travel events. I missed out on the last day of both ProcureCon and SIG this year, and while SIG’s dueling pianos reception sounded like a lot of fun and completely awesome, I’m also glad I went home when I needed to. I do what I can and let myself be ok with what I can’t.
- Take a moment when needed.
At one of my very first leadership gatherings (the Executive Leadership Conference for emerging future leaders at my company; you know the type), I hadn’t yet learned how to recognize the signs of introvert overwhelm in myself. I was still a new people leader and was determined to maximize my time with the “movers and shakers” in the room. But at some point, my overwhelm got so bad that I took one of the networking breaks and walked outside to just breathe in the fresh air. That turned out to be one of the best things I could do for myself as even those twenty minutes of quiet and not being “on” allowed me to head back into the meeting/conference and keep going. Since that moment, I’ve been more alert to when I’m reaching that point and realizing that some of my networking breaks might be better spent with a moment to myself. Networking is valuable, but at some point I lose my ability to do it well and have to recharge.
- Say yes to coffee.
I don’t actually drink coffee. But this is something I’ve really gotten better at since owning my own business – inviting others to coffee and saying yes when they invite me. I might try not to schedule lots of other social things on days when I go to coffee with a friend, acquaintance or colleague, but I do try to go. This is easier than some things on my list because it’s typically just one person instead of dozens, but can still be tricky when my instinct is to sit at my desk with a 15,000-line spreadsheet (Yes, I had one of those last week. It was kind of awesome. I love a good spreadsheet!).
If you are an introvert like me, I hope this article has given you some things to think about. If you’d like to talk about being an introvert or supporting the introverted professionals on your team/in your life, let’s chat. If you’d like to get these articles weekly straight to your inbox and never miss one, sign up for my newsletter.
My book, Transform Procurement: The Value of E-auctions is now available in ebook, paperback and even hardcover format: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0F79T6F25
