In this season of gratitude here in the U.S., I’m reminded of one of the best pieces of professional advice I ever received: Don’t say “I’m sorry,” say, “Thank you.”

The anecdotal wisdom is that women apologize more than men, but research shows it’s a little more complicated than that. Instead, women generally have a lower threshold for when they believe an offense needs an apology. Regardless of gender identity, most of us apologize too much at work. This is a problem because then true apologies lose meaning. Expressing gratitude instead of apologizing is less awkward and better builds the relationship. Think of the last time someone said “I’m sorry” to you, especially for a minor offense and they said it almost flippantly, tossing it off as the thing to say instead of meaning it. You’re left saying something like, “It’s ok.” and then the conversation kind of dies. You both move on and the apology was meaningless. Instead, if they thanked you for giving them grace, your response is something like, “Of course” or “You’re welcome” and that simply feels better. It also makes it easier to give that person grace, which is something the world simply needs more of.

Here are some situations to replace “I’m sorry” with “Thank you”

• When you’re a few minutes late to a meeting – say “Thank you for your patience.”
• When offering input – say “Thank you for considering my thoughts”
• When questioning a decision that is someone else’s to make – say “Thank you for walking me through your thought process” (it’s super important to approach this one with curiosity first instead of judgement!)
• When you’re having feelings or you’re sick – say “Thank you for letting me be human with you.” (or, you know, don’t apologize for being human at all. It’s always ok to be human.
• When a piece of equipment or software (that’s not yours to fix) isn’t working right – say “Thank you for your understanding.”
• When you choose to complete the priorities set by the business ahead of a walk-on urgent project that isn’t aligned with business priorities – say “Thanks for letting me keep the focus where it needs be.”

So when is a time when an apology truly is the right move? There are certainly times when an apology is appropriate and necessary, and where we want to make sure our other “I’m sorry”s don’t dilute the bigger apologies. Some times to apologize at work include:

• When you miss a meeting or appointment, especially without notice. 
• When you step on someone else’s jurisdiction/job title or make a decision belonging to someone else. This one can be tricky, and some people are more sensitive to this than others. 
• When you lose your temper and take it out on someone else. Emotions are real, valid, and ok. Letting those emotions cause trouble for someone else is not ok. 
• When you miss a deadline, especially one you agreed to or set yourself.
• When you’ve criticized or gossiped about someone. While constructive criticism can be helpful, it needs to be handled carefully. But offering a snappy quip about someone’s work, especially in front of an audience (whether or not the target is part of that audience) is not cool and deserves a public apology. 

So how to go about making an apology? It seems like something we’re all supposed to learn in our early school years, but that doesn’t make it easier. Also, a grade school “I’m sorry” on the playground looks very different from a professional work life apology. To apologize well, focus on these pieces:

1. Acknowledge what you did wrong. Don’t couch this piece in platitudes or vague language. “I missed our meeting without notice and left you hanging, wasting your time.”
2. Explain what happened. This is tricky to do without sounding like an excuse, be genuine and take the blame for why it’s your fault instead of pushing it off onto anything or anyone else. “My car broke down on the way because I didn’t get it into the mechanic to get looked at.”
3. Express remorse. Tell the other person you regret the error, but only if you truly do. If you don’t, try to look at it from their viewpoint as much as possible and put yourself in their shoes. “I’m very sorry and regret not letting you know sooner that I wouldn’t make it to our meeting.”
4. Make amends. Try to make things right for the other person as much as possible. “Can we reschedule and have our conversation over lunch? I’ll buy.”

In this season of gratitude, keep in mind the right time to say “Thank you” and the right time to say “I’m sorry” to build goodwill in all parts of life. If you’d like to talk to me about what you’re grateful for, let’s chat.